Not the details – although I’m fairly certain that losing it on Halloween means I’m secretly Goth – but the drama that surrounded it. I was convinced I was the last male virgin on campus. As far as I was concerned, it was profoundly unfair that everybody else had gotten lucky.
I resented it when my more experienced friends would talk about sex and compare their various exploits; it felt to me like they were bragging, showing off in front of someone who couldn’t possibly understand.
My bitterness and resentment made me a prime, self-pitying asshole costs. Like many virgins, I was convinced that doing so would be a cheat or would render it invalid. Long story short different (aside from “holy shit I had sex”). I hadn’t been magically cured of all my ills and insecurities.
It only “counted” if I were able to seduce someone with my own skill and charisma. And my first thought – y’know, besides “lets do it again” – was simply: “Shit. ” That confusion I felt was directly tied to an issue I find a of men have when struggling with their feelings about virginity: the belief that losing their virginity is a major milestone after which everything will be different and better. We fetishize virginity in men his virginity on the other hand…
The second is that by focusing on being A Virgin – making it part of your identity – you indulge in a form of confirmation bias; you see couples together and immediately assume that they’re fucking even though they’re on their first date.
You dismiss the people who still aren’t having any.
The story that we’re supposed to lose our virginity by X milestone doesn’t take into consideration that navigating relationships – romantic, sexual or platonic – can be difficult, stressful, even . Just as the gender police are eager to punish people who don’t live up to the traditional definitions of manhood.
One of the reasons why men tend to freak out about the idea of being a virgin – especially being a virgin past college – is that we’ve grown up in the shadow of a cultural narrative that we believe to be law.
The Standard Virginity Loss Narrative tells us that men are supposed to lose their virginity by a certain age – sometimes by age 18, sometimes by 21.
Your virginity hangs around your neck like an albatross. Like there’s a great fault within you that’s holding you back but that nobody else seems to have.
What are you supposed to do about the fact that you’re one of the Great Untouched?
We get the Standard Virginity Loss Narrative burned into our minds early on, reinforced over and over again by pop-culture until we start to believe it’s the TRVTH, carved into stone tablets delivered to us at the base of Mount Sinai.