Bruce Cameron Please do not remove the copyright from this essay When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend? But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi.
s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter? He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter? If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and my old down hunting jacket – zipped up to her throat. Remember, I have field-dressed elk ten times your size…with a pen knife. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. It takes very little for me to drift back a few years and mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a hostile drive-by vehicle.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature power tools are okay. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Whenever I hear engines at night, the voices in my head tell me to clean my weapons.
Back in those primitive years before the invention of helpful objects like cell phones that work underwater, boys chased girls. We planned for it, we paid for it, and we preened for it. Fathers began greeting these calls with the same enthusiasm we reserve for telemarketers. My wife will affix it properly to your body with a glue gun.
But something happened a few short years ago: The roles reversed. Above all else, please remember that weve been praying for this boy since before God gave him breath, and we will continue to. When and if he chooses a godly girl, we will be happier than Mr. Turtle when they finally exited the Ark, but until then well keep praying that both of you will pursue Jesus first, and watch everything else fall into place.
I remember the day in tenth grade when a blonde named Ramona moved in next door and I made it my life verse to love my neighbor as myself. He can do this himself.: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls your age to wear Britney Spears t-shirts that do not reach their low-slung pants or necklines that sink lower than the Canadian dollar.
I remember how my Science, Math and Geography grades began to plummet in the wake of her presence, and how I pursued her across the vast ocean of courtship by phone, by foot, and in my fathers car. They started yelling out car windows at them and calling them on the telephone. I am sorry, he is on a mission trip to Zimbabwe where he is marrying a local girl. My wife and I have discussed this and since we want to be fair and open-minded about it, you are free to show up in such attire.
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is ? Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.Ive been thinking a lot about teenagers now that we have three of them hanging around the house eyeing our car keys. Sure we have to replace the fridge light bulb more frequently and I havent controlled the remote for months, but teenagers teach us much about life and love if we will watch and listen. Though shorter than Martin Luthers 95 Theses, I believe this is worth nailing to the front door. With an electric staple gun.: Please do not touch my son.Lately Ive noticed that theyre too old to do things kids do and too young to act like adults. I suppose that part of our success as parents depends on our ability to remember being a child ourselves, and I recall well the teenage years. Do not lean against him unless you are falling over and are in danger of injuring yourself or plunging off a cliff. I have been trying to do this for years and he will not let me.I purchased a shotgun when I learned I we were having a baby girl. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. I also own a shovel, and am familiar with vast, empty tracks of Mt. Announce the perimeter password, relay in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I kill you.